I would have to say the last few days have been quite a whirlwind of emotions. Lately I have felt anxious and doubtful. I am constantly going back and forth on things in my mind, questioning everything around. Sometimes I just let it go and be a goofball to cover it up and sometimes I just clutter my brain with thoughts that have no where to go.
I have been feeling like I have done some backtracking in the last few days, back to the days where my trust in God was very little and where things just spun out of control because I felt like I couldn't control them and if I couldn't control them, then they just couldn't be controlled. I have been taking the drivers seat instead of God.
When I hear people say, well this is Gods plan, it has just become a statement that literally gets on my nerves because half the time it never seems definite. One minute it seems clear as day that God has plans in this direction and then the next minute we are on a whole new journey. What is that? Why cant he make up his mind is what I question. A lot of times I guess it gets to me because I feel like I have my mind made up so why isn't he just by my side on this one. Huh, now theres a thought.
I know that all sounds ridiculous but lets be honest, we all think this at some point when things seem to hit the fan or hit a low.
Tonight I was driving back to school and let me just tell you that sunset was phenomenal, the colors just seemed to explode out of the clouds. It was crazy cool. Then as I was in awe of what was in front of me, Caroline stated the fact that it was crazy that our world was capable of such a thing, that when the sun is going down it is almost like it isn't go down without a battle (get it, colors exploding from the sky :P). But anyways, it was an out there statement but it just kind of resonated with me a bit because it was an interesting way to think about it. To be honest lately I have just had the same feeling in me, not going to go down without a battle.
I guess I am just trying to figure out what Gods plan is again in different areas of my life, it leaves me frustrated at times but I'm controlling and I just have to know things for sure. I had another friend of mine tell me that sometimes Gods plan means action, that we have to do our part as well and work for it. Like the sunset, sometimes we just have to go down with a fight and the beautiful thing as my friend Chelsea would always say is the sun will rise again tomorrow and everything will be ok.
Much love.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Real Life- Passion
Lately I have had this feeling of a fire being lit under me... a lot of times I get it at night where I am stuck to just lay in the bed and think about it. My wheels turn, and there I lay. Sometimes I'll turn the tv on to make it stop, sometimes I get up and write about it, or sometimes I just lay and think until I am too tired to think anymore.
In the past year I have experienced so many things, seeing God work in different parts of my life, and creating many more memories which I cant wait to reminisce about years from now. There have been so many good things, and there have been bumps and lessons learned to say the least. My eyes have been opened to things I have been blinded to for so long whether it pertains to the world, my family, myself, school, literally everything.
Since the summer I feel as if I have been on a journey to find another piece of me, cheesy right? I think just approaching senior year and being forced to think about life after that will do it to you. I finally have to decide what I want my adult world to look like. Some conclusions I have come to: I don't want to be boring, I don't want to get stuck, I don't want to lose my faith, I want to be happy, I want my work and ministry to unite, I want to be in a position to impact people, I want to turn around and help my family, and I don't want to ever lose anyone I love dearly. How does that sound for conclusions? I know it may sound like a pretty general list, but trust me I have narrowed it down!
But when I say I have had a fire lit under me, I am talking more about the whole position to impact people. I have discovered that this is my passion, helping people. I have always said that I like things, and I do love don't get me wrong, but I see other people who are just full on passionate about ministry, or full on passionate about the sport they play, and I have never been that way until recently. One situation that has been most recent has been my fight to help my friend stay at school despite money. I have talked about it in previous blogs but last week it came to a point where it is looking like we are about out of options. Boy, did that fire me up. At first I was sad, and lost hope myself but now I cant stop thinking about how to get more options. I don't want to stop fighting for this until everything is fully worked out -- sometimes I feel like maybe I am not focusing on being thankful for what I or we have been given but then other times I just know deep down there is more that can be done, is that bad?
Thoughts that have come out of this have been that I wont stop fighting for my friend but also how can I fight for others as well. I understand that if we are passionate about something or really want something we should do everything we can to get that right? And I have thought about how crazy I may seem fighting more for something that maybe someone else would but why not? Even if someone else doesnt stand up and say it for themselves, why cant someone stand up for them? I see it just like someone else would see standing up for children in Africa, giving them a voice and a way to see hope, as far fetched as that may seem. And if I have this passion then I should do something with it. Haha do you like my silly and simple revelations?
Anyways just in a crazy thinking mood and just been fired up lately. I know it'll be an interesting journey to figure out how I specifically wish to carry on with this passion of mine, right now it has been through helping my friend but I just dont want to stop there.
Love you all.
In the past year I have experienced so many things, seeing God work in different parts of my life, and creating many more memories which I cant wait to reminisce about years from now. There have been so many good things, and there have been bumps and lessons learned to say the least. My eyes have been opened to things I have been blinded to for so long whether it pertains to the world, my family, myself, school, literally everything.
Since the summer I feel as if I have been on a journey to find another piece of me, cheesy right? I think just approaching senior year and being forced to think about life after that will do it to you. I finally have to decide what I want my adult world to look like. Some conclusions I have come to: I don't want to be boring, I don't want to get stuck, I don't want to lose my faith, I want to be happy, I want my work and ministry to unite, I want to be in a position to impact people, I want to turn around and help my family, and I don't want to ever lose anyone I love dearly. How does that sound for conclusions? I know it may sound like a pretty general list, but trust me I have narrowed it down!
But when I say I have had a fire lit under me, I am talking more about the whole position to impact people. I have discovered that this is my passion, helping people. I have always said that I like things, and I do love don't get me wrong, but I see other people who are just full on passionate about ministry, or full on passionate about the sport they play, and I have never been that way until recently. One situation that has been most recent has been my fight to help my friend stay at school despite money. I have talked about it in previous blogs but last week it came to a point where it is looking like we are about out of options. Boy, did that fire me up. At first I was sad, and lost hope myself but now I cant stop thinking about how to get more options. I don't want to stop fighting for this until everything is fully worked out -- sometimes I feel like maybe I am not focusing on being thankful for what I or we have been given but then other times I just know deep down there is more that can be done, is that bad?
Thoughts that have come out of this have been that I wont stop fighting for my friend but also how can I fight for others as well. I understand that if we are passionate about something or really want something we should do everything we can to get that right? And I have thought about how crazy I may seem fighting more for something that maybe someone else would but why not? Even if someone else doesnt stand up and say it for themselves, why cant someone stand up for them? I see it just like someone else would see standing up for children in Africa, giving them a voice and a way to see hope, as far fetched as that may seem. And if I have this passion then I should do something with it. Haha do you like my silly and simple revelations?
Anyways just in a crazy thinking mood and just been fired up lately. I know it'll be an interesting journey to figure out how I specifically wish to carry on with this passion of mine, right now it has been through helping my friend but I just dont want to stop there.
Love you all.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Real Life- I'm just a kid
Well it is a very cold day and all I want to do is snuggle up in my warm bed. I had a rough start this morning as I slept through my alarm and completely missed my first class which had a paper due. Cool Julia. But as I scurried around trying to get my paper printed and get to class, I found a little note outside my door from my best friend Helen. Talk about a nice knock in the right direction, I am sitting there super frustrated and ready to just give up and I get this sweet note to brighten my day. Have I mentioned lately of how blessed I am? Cause I am! I have the best friend in the whole world!
Then later in the day she surprised me again by getting me a goodie bag, its contents: Apple Juice, Reeses, Hershey bar, Skittles, and a banana. I dont know about you but I dont know many 21 year olds who get overly excited about something like that but I did cause I loved it. I love surprises (well, for the most part--it kind of interferes with me wanting to know everything but thats ok). Oh oh, and I got another sweet note! two in one day people! I feel like a kid on christmas morning, no lie. So to tie in my blog title, basically I'm just a kid.
For those of you who think growing up and getting old means being boring and having no fun, I plan to prove that theory wrong. I think we should all embrace our inner child all the time because its fun and its real. It is crazy to see people actually fight to not let a child like feature shine through them. How I look at it is at least being older you are a lot smarter than you were when you were three so you dont just jump off of tall things and get hurt, you know boundaries.(well, for the most part) :) Acting like a kid is much better than actually being one ya know?
Today was good for those reasons and because I finally took my free opportunities to invest in everyone around me. I had a conversation with my friend Caroline the other day about how different this year has been, not just for ourselves but it has just been different for everyone. Not in a bad way either, just different. Everyone has different schedules, everyone has just come such a long way from the beginning of this journey here at Gardner Webb, it has been an interesting adjustment but a beautiful one as well.
Difference is...
I am watching that shy kid branch out and be a leader thriving in a group of people, holding their own ground. I am seeing people break out of their awkward shell just to seek new and exciting friendships. I see friends growing closer day by day. I am seeing us all begin to embrace the idea of being adults one day. I am seeing a friend get excited about being married one day and knowing that we will all be there to celebrate with her. I see someone be healthy for once, being active amongst her peers. And all together I see this beautiful picture of community, one big group of kids, laughing, sharing their lives with one another, and filling a room with more love than most could probably handle. Exciting, huh? I told you it wasnt bad!
I woke up grumpy and am going to end this day feeling like the most blessed person ever...as I usually do. I am witnessing these crazy cool things, I am seeing Gods work EVERY SINGLE DAY! Sometimes it doesnt always hit me in the face but when it does it is crazy cool. I love it. I love my life. And I absolutely love my friends, and everything they bring to my life.
Then later in the day she surprised me again by getting me a goodie bag, its contents: Apple Juice, Reeses, Hershey bar, Skittles, and a banana. I dont know about you but I dont know many 21 year olds who get overly excited about something like that but I did cause I loved it. I love surprises (well, for the most part--it kind of interferes with me wanting to know everything but thats ok). Oh oh, and I got another sweet note! two in one day people! I feel like a kid on christmas morning, no lie. So to tie in my blog title, basically I'm just a kid.
For those of you who think growing up and getting old means being boring and having no fun, I plan to prove that theory wrong. I think we should all embrace our inner child all the time because its fun and its real. It is crazy to see people actually fight to not let a child like feature shine through them. How I look at it is at least being older you are a lot smarter than you were when you were three so you dont just jump off of tall things and get hurt, you know boundaries.(well, for the most part) :) Acting like a kid is much better than actually being one ya know?
Today was good for those reasons and because I finally took my free opportunities to invest in everyone around me. I had a conversation with my friend Caroline the other day about how different this year has been, not just for ourselves but it has just been different for everyone. Not in a bad way either, just different. Everyone has different schedules, everyone has just come such a long way from the beginning of this journey here at Gardner Webb, it has been an interesting adjustment but a beautiful one as well.
Difference is...
I am watching that shy kid branch out and be a leader thriving in a group of people, holding their own ground. I am seeing people break out of their awkward shell just to seek new and exciting friendships. I see friends growing closer day by day. I am seeing us all begin to embrace the idea of being adults one day. I am seeing a friend get excited about being married one day and knowing that we will all be there to celebrate with her. I see someone be healthy for once, being active amongst her peers. And all together I see this beautiful picture of community, one big group of kids, laughing, sharing their lives with one another, and filling a room with more love than most could probably handle. Exciting, huh? I told you it wasnt bad!
I woke up grumpy and am going to end this day feeling like the most blessed person ever...as I usually do. I am witnessing these crazy cool things, I am seeing Gods work EVERY SINGLE DAY! Sometimes it doesnt always hit me in the face but when it does it is crazy cool. I love it. I love my life. And I absolutely love my friends, and everything they bring to my life.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Real Life-Slow it down
Finally, a chance to blog...
Recap of the last 24 or so hours...spent all weekend having tons of fun but procrastinating in everything I should have been doing, was up until 3/330 studying for a test that I am pretty sure I failed. Even got had an alarm go off at 730 this morning, which I did fall in and out of sleep for another hour or so, but needless to say it was a long, long day.
Tonight I journeyed with my best friend to cookout and I jammed the whole way and didnt think twice about the things around me. It has been raining ALL day long, and I found myself hating it at several points because as if my day wasnt long enough then rain just made me want to crawl in bed even more. Have I mentioned before that I love rain though? So that was weird.
Anyways, on the way home from cookout, Helen was so out of it and I didnt feel like screaming anymore ridiculous songs in her ear so I turned on some good ole lumineers. They just make me melt sometimes. I turned on their song, 'Slow it down,' granted I am not a hundred percent sure exactly what the song is about but those three words just repeat over and over, or they did for me.
I feel like the world has been spinning so much lately, not just for me but for everyone around here. Everyone is running on empty and you can see everyone just reach their breaking points from time to time. Now I have had my good share of emotional moments, but lately I feel like I have just been a spectator to it all. Sometimes I just find myself wondering what it is I can do to make it all go away. I feel like that is my life, I just go go go, cram in the things that I want, and am quick to find ways to escape or get rid of the things that I dont want. I dont want people to be sad or to hurt or to be overwhelmed, I just want sunshine, no rain.
Saying that just makes me think of Job, reason why I think of Job is because it has been what I am translating in Hebrew for my final project at the end of the year. I never have read the story of Job until now and it kind of blew my mind. Now, failing a test, or missing home, or just having a day of little rest is not quite the extent of what Job went through. He LITERALLY lost everything he ever owned or loved, but yet he still chose to praise God in these circumstances, and that is what is powerful to me. I know that I personally wish to shy away from praising the Lord when nothing but a downpour is in my life, or in the lives of the people I love but that is not what we are supposed to do.
I have just found myself lately wishing things werent how they were instead of finding a way to glorify God through it all. I have been so rushed and "busy" that I havent had time to just 'Slow it down.' I'm telling you, its a beautiful song whether I am referencing it the right way or not haha.
Anyways so now I will maybe write some more and listen to the rain outside because God is good my people!! :)
Recap of the last 24 or so hours...spent all weekend having tons of fun but procrastinating in everything I should have been doing, was up until 3/330 studying for a test that I am pretty sure I failed. Even got had an alarm go off at 730 this morning, which I did fall in and out of sleep for another hour or so, but needless to say it was a long, long day.
Tonight I journeyed with my best friend to cookout and I jammed the whole way and didnt think twice about the things around me. It has been raining ALL day long, and I found myself hating it at several points because as if my day wasnt long enough then rain just made me want to crawl in bed even more. Have I mentioned before that I love rain though? So that was weird.
Anyways, on the way home from cookout, Helen was so out of it and I didnt feel like screaming anymore ridiculous songs in her ear so I turned on some good ole lumineers. They just make me melt sometimes. I turned on their song, 'Slow it down,' granted I am not a hundred percent sure exactly what the song is about but those three words just repeat over and over, or they did for me.
I feel like the world has been spinning so much lately, not just for me but for everyone around here. Everyone is running on empty and you can see everyone just reach their breaking points from time to time. Now I have had my good share of emotional moments, but lately I feel like I have just been a spectator to it all. Sometimes I just find myself wondering what it is I can do to make it all go away. I feel like that is my life, I just go go go, cram in the things that I want, and am quick to find ways to escape or get rid of the things that I dont want. I dont want people to be sad or to hurt or to be overwhelmed, I just want sunshine, no rain.
Saying that just makes me think of Job, reason why I think of Job is because it has been what I am translating in Hebrew for my final project at the end of the year. I never have read the story of Job until now and it kind of blew my mind. Now, failing a test, or missing home, or just having a day of little rest is not quite the extent of what Job went through. He LITERALLY lost everything he ever owned or loved, but yet he still chose to praise God in these circumstances, and that is what is powerful to me. I know that I personally wish to shy away from praising the Lord when nothing but a downpour is in my life, or in the lives of the people I love but that is not what we are supposed to do.
I have just found myself lately wishing things werent how they were instead of finding a way to glorify God through it all. I have been so rushed and "busy" that I havent had time to just 'Slow it down.' I'm telling you, its a beautiful song whether I am referencing it the right way or not haha.
Anyways so now I will maybe write some more and listen to the rain outside because God is good my people!! :)
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